


Hands to Yourself

by WarriorBeeoftheSea



Series: Love Game [6]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drinking, M/M, Mild Kink, Poor Life Choices, Porn with Feelings, Post-Break Up, Sexual Content, Smoking, Watford (Simon Snow), cuddlesmut, stupid boys in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:35:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24482125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarriorBeeoftheSea/pseuds/WarriorBeeoftheSea
Summary: It's a cold night, but I'm walking side by side with Baz, and I don't mind. We're walking close enough for our fingers to brush with each stride. Why didn't we hold hands more, before?After the breakup...Updating daily until complete!
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Love Game [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1552981
Comments: 44
Kudos: 284





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It took me over 5 months to write this update, and I apologize. 
> 
> Back in July I wrote a version of Simon and Baz who like to do silly things in bed but can't even begin to talk about their feelings. And in December I accidentally broke them up. (I really did; I remember waiting for the bus and thinking, "Oops.")
> 
> After spending the past two months extracting myself from an abusive relationship, I think my subconscious was trying to tell me something.
> 
> Writing and sharing this fic is part of my healing process; thank you for reading it. Happy Pride, my loves. 
> 
> Now I'll stop getting super personal on main. Come find me on Tumblr if you want to hear more. @warriorbeeofthesea

**Penny**

Simon slumps wordlessly onto the bench across from me in the dining hall. It's still lunch period, but only just.

He looks a mess. And he's got cobwebs in his hair.

"No," I tell him sternly.

He rubs a hand over his face and looks at me quizzically. "No?"

"No, you did not just skip class to have a snog with Baz in a closet."

His face turns red. "We, uh-- That is… I-- He…"

I shake my head, and he sighs, lowering his face to his arms crossed on the table. "It wasn't just snogging," he mumbles.

"Simon! _Really!"_

"I _know,"_ he groans into his folded arms.

"You were supposed to talk. Sort this mess out."

He doesn't answer, and I watch his shoulders rise and fall with a ragged sigh.

I push my plate of food over to him. "Here, finish mine. They've already started putting the food away." I almost can't believe Simon would miss lunch for a tumble in a closet. _Almost._

He tips his head up and looks at me gratefully, before grabbing my fork and tucking in.

I rub my brow in frustration. I'm beginning to lose patience with Simon. Him and Baz, both.

But it only gets worse from here.

**Dev**

Baz is unsteady on his feet. "I don't go to school parties," he whines, as I pull him by the arm toward the door of my room.

"You do now, mate." Niall folds his arms and looks at Baz. "Come on, we agreed that you need to stop sulking in your room."

"Yes, and I thought we accomplished that with me sulking _here_ instead." He waves the glass he's holding, and I hope he doesn't spill on my comforter. None of us is in any condition to perform an **out damned spot** right now.

I take the glass from his hand and set it on my desk. "Yeah, well, we've decided we need a break from watching said sulking."

"You've never made me do this before."

"Yeah, well, you’ve never moped through a breakup before."

He glares at me. "Who said anything about a breakup?"

I look over at Niall, and he shrugs. I roll my eyes. "Fine, then. You are the very definition of an emotionally well-adjusted teenager. Let's _go."_ Niall grabs Baz's other arm, and together we pull him to the hallway.

**Penny**

Simon is fidgeting. Has done for the past few days, but it's really ratcheted up now.

I lean over and still his bouncing knee with my hand. "Would you please _stop._ You're making me nauseous."

He looks up from his book, a pencil captured between his teeth. "Hmm?"

I sigh and close my book. "We aren't actually going to get any studying done tonight, are we?"

Simon looks around the empty library, as if he's surprised to find himself here. "Suppose everyone else is sneaking to that party in the science building tonight."

I roll my eyes. "If we go, will that burn off some of this nervous energy?" I gesture up and down at him.

He tips his head. "What nervous energy?"

I sigh and stand up. "Come on, Simon. Let's go to that party."

**Baz**

This party is stupid. My classmates are stupid. _My friends are stupid._

The scotch we drank back in Dev and Niall's room? Actually not bad.

I scowl as we walk through the party. I want another drink. _Someone_ must have snuck in something good.

"There's Agatha," Dev yells over the music. He's spotted her through the doorway to the chemistry lab. She's sitting alone at a lab table, other students milling around her. "Let's go." He pulls me after him, and I roll my eyes so hard the room spins.

"Basil," she nods when she sees me.

Dev flops down on the lab stool next to her. "Hiya, Agatha!" Crowley, he's not drunk enough to be this embarrassing.

Niall grabs Dev's shoulder. "Come on, let's see if we can find some drinks."

Dev huffs out a sigh and follows Niall grudgingly, leaving me alone with Agatha. I pull up a stool and sit across from her, and drum my fingers on the tabletop. What am I meant to say to the girl whose boyfriend I fellated in a broom closet mere days ago?

I must let out a stupid giggle at the absurdity of my life, because Agatha narrows her eyes at me. "What's so funny?"

_Don't say Snow's dick,_ I think to myself, and the thought sets off another wave of giggles.

Agatha just gives me an amused look. "Are you already drunk, Basil?"

Keris appears out of nowhere and pats my shoulder. "Baz Pitch is already sloshed? Good party." She laughs, and leans heavily against me. I tense under her arm, still curled over my shoulder, and suddenly I feel even more awkward. _How do I make queer friends?_

Before I can say something stupid, Dev and Niall are back, their arms loaded with bottles. They unload them clumsily onto the table.

"Wine, Baz?" Niall pushes an open bottle of rubbish red wine towards me.

"Wine!" Keris laughs, and clutches my shoulder harder as she sways slightly.

Dev grins at her. "Our Baz doesn't like beer."

I shrug my shoulders in embarrassment, but take a swig from the bottle all the same. The cretins haven't brought any glassware. It's a wonder the bottle is even open at all.

But I'm certainly not above drinking awful wine straight from the bottle.

**Simon**

Almost as soon as we step into the science building, I know it was a mistake to come to this party.

I can't help but scan the hallway for Baz. _Everywhere I go,_ I'm always looking for Baz.

I've barely seen him since that morning in the broom closet. My heart stutters whenever I think of it. _I said I missed you, you twat. Don't keep turning away from me._

I've tried not to think these past few days. Because thinking leads to regret, and shame, and this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nowhere good.

But even when I try not to think, I'm still looking for him everywhere. It's like there's a rope knotted around my chest, and someone's yanking it toward him.

Like now. I'm leading Penny down the hall and ducking my head into classrooms, looking for Baz, when I don't even know that he'll be here. _Baz never comes to parties._

But then there he is, slouched and slightly tousled, bringing a bottle to his lips. He's grinning at Keris, whose arm is draped across him, and for a moment I'm jealous.

I should leave, but I hesitate too long and Keris spots me in the doorway. "Oi, Simon! Come here!" She's waving me over, and my feet are moving toward the table of their own accord. I can never walk away from Baz.

Penny follows close behind, her fingers tugging at my arm. "He's drunk, Simon." She's whispering at me in a stern voice. "Don't do anything you'd regret."

I nod, but don't slow my stride across the room. There's that yanking sensation again.

"Here, Simon, take my seat." Keris pulls me to her roughly and maneuvers me onto the stool next to Baz. "I've got to get back to Trixie, anyway."

Penny takes a seat across from me, next to Agatha, and I think I see a scowl cross Dev's face.

(I watch that scowl closely to stop my eyes from drifting toward Baz.)

**Baz**

I am a drunken mess, and Simon Snow is sitting next to me.

And then I realize with horror that the part of me that can resist leaning into him has vacated the premises.

(I'm not _quite_ drunk enough to snog Simon right here in front of our classmates, but it takes effort not to put my hand on his thigh.)

"All right, Baz?" His voice is low and murmured, and I use the excuse to lean in closer.

I nod stupidly at him, and then push the open bottle of wine towards him. "Wine?"

He considers for a moment and then brings the bottle to his lips, tipping it back for a long swig. I can't help but stare at the column of his throat while he does. I imagine my mouth on it, but then move my eyes away quickly, and the table in front of me lurches.

"You need some water, mate?" Niall puts a bottle in front of me and grins.

I feel my face prickling with what would be a blush if I were a real person.

I also feel a stirring in my groin when Simon surreptitiously puts a hand on my knee under the table. I try, and fail, to swallow down the noise of surprise that slips from my mouth. Dev gives me a knowing grin.

**Penny**

I look between Simon and Baz. Baz is making heart eyes, and leaning in, and snakes alive, this is not going to end well.

"Simon, can I talk to you a moment?" I stand, and tip my head toward the door. "In _private?"_

I stand and stride to the door, hoping Simon will follow. I don't know how else to extract him from Baz's presence if he doesn't do it voluntarily. Just outside the classroom I turn, and find him looking at me quizzically.

There are other students milling about here, drinks in hand, so I pull Simon by the arm towards the emptier end of the corridor.

**Simon**

I know Penny thinks I'm thick, but I already know what she's going to say to me. _Don't go off alone with Baz. It's a bad idea._

Maybe I am thick and it's just really obviously a bad idea.

It's not that I want to _do_ anything with Baz, except I always do. I just want to _talk_ to him. Try to explain myself.

Penny stops pulling and rounds on me. "It is my duty as your best friend to tell you not to snog your ex."

I put up my hands defensively. "Christ, Penny! I'm not going to _snog_ him!" She gives me a hard look. "Really! I only want to talk to him. You know, sort this all out. Like you said, yeah?"

She sighs. "Simon, you are _not_ going to _talk_ to him. When have you and Baz ever _talked?"_

_We've talked plenty in bed,_ I decide not to say. And anyway, we didn't talk about feelings or anything important back when we were shagging. It was just… nice. Companionable. I miss it. Honestly, I really miss _him._

"I'll be careful, Pen, I swear."

She lets out an exasperated sigh. "I am going to be so irritated with you if I find out you snogged without sorting it out."

**Baz**

Simon slips back into the seat beside me, and I don't miss the look that Bunce is leveling him with. Clearly the two are at odds on something.

By now there are more students huddled around the table, including Keris again, and her pixie girlfriend. There's enough of a crowd that it goes largely unnoticed when Simon leans into me, his hand near burning where he presses it to my hip, and says in a low voice, "Can we talk?"

_Of course we can bloody well talk, if you're going to touch me like that, you fucking fit nightmare._

Instead of saying any of what I'm actually thinking, I give him a cool nod.

**Dev**

Niall turns to me. "How worried should we be about Baz leaving with Snow just now?"

I shrug. "We'll check on him in a bit."

**Simon**

It's a cold night, but I'm walking side by side with Baz, and I don't mind. We're walking close enough for our fingers to brush with each stride. Why didn't we hold hands more, before?

Baz brought the bottle of wine with him. He stops walking to down a swig, and then offers it to me.

I get distracted a moment looking at his face. I could get lost forever mapping out the parts of his face. The _wanker._

I take the offered bottle and drink from it. The wine burns down my throat, but it warms me from the inside.

I turn, still holding the bottle, and begin walking again. "Baz," I begin, but he touches my elbow.

"Let's go sit in the chapel. It'll be decently warm in there."

_Yes,_ I think. _We'll sit in the chapel and talk, and Penny will realize she had nothing to worry about._

**Baz**

Simon's mouth is on mine almost before we've crossed the threshold of the chapel.

All at once he's scrabbling at my jacket, slipping an arm underneath it and around my waist, pulling me to him. The bottle jostles lightly against my hip, where he's still clutching it while he tries to get his hands on me. I idly hope he doesn't drop it.

"Snow," I mumble into his mouth. "Put the bottle down."

He pulls his mouth away from mine long enough to take another swig from the bottle, then puts it down on the floor.

Then he's walking me backwards, clutching at my hips and kissing me. The backs of my thighs bump against the back of a pew, but he keeps shoving me with his body.

I kiss him back.

**Simon**

The kiss is sloppy, but so are we. My edges feel blurred against his, and I reach for his face with both hands to feel something solid under my fingertips. I don’t usually drink, and I don’t think Baz does either. 

There’s that feeling in my chest. The tightening fist around my heart. I suck in a short breath and try to concentrate on staying calm. Baz’s tongue is in my mouth, and he’s moving his jaw, and I am _breathless._

Baz pulls his face away from mine and flicks his thumb across the edge of my jaw. He’s looking at my lips instead of my eyes. “What did you want to talk about?"

I’m staring at his lips now, too. I try to remember what I'd meant to talk to him about _before_ the kissing, but my mind is hazy.

He lazily draws his eyes up to mine. “You want to go back to the party?”

I surge forward and bunch his collar in my fist. My head near spins with the movement. “Merlin, _no,”_ I breathe against his cheek, and then yank him to me for another long kiss.

**Dev**

The group at the lab table kind of dissolved when Baz and Snow left. I wander to the makeshift bar in another classroom, when I run into Keris filling up a red cup.

"Cheers, Dev! Good party, yeah?"

I shrug, and I'm about to say something when Niall sidles up next to me.

"All right, Baz's been gone long enough that we should probably check on him now," he tells me.

"Check on Baz?" Keris asks. "What's wrong with him?"

Niall looks at me and raises an eyebrow. I shrug. "We think he might be off making poor decisions with Snow," he tells her. "We're just…not sure where they went."

Keris' eyes widen and she puts down her red cup. "I'll help you find them."

**Penny**

I've been looking for Simon all over this damned party almost since he and Baz slipped away to talk.

_Talk!_ And he expected me to believe _that._

Fuck a troll, I'm as mad as a pit viper when I grab the handle of another supply closet and yank it open. How many damned closets are in this building? Why are there so many places for stupid teenagers to snog? _Why is my best friend so stupid?_

A couple of students tumble out, their clothes in disarray, but it's not Simon or Baz, so I don't care. I wordlessly drop the door and turn on my heels.

I'm stalking angrily down the hall when I see Dev holding the exterior door for Niall and Keris.

I race after them and grab Keris' elbow as she shrugs into her jacket. She stares at me in surprise, her mouth open.

"If you're looking for Simon, I'm coming with you."

"We're actually more interested in finding Baz," Dev interjects. "But yeah, ok. Come on."

**Baz**

I'm leaning awkwardly against the pew that Snow pushed me against, and my thighs burn with the strain of holding myself up. Holding us _both_ up, really.

He nudges his knees between mine, and the awkward position robs me of my height advantage. The thought of Simon standing over me, even just a very little bit, bubbles in my belly and I want to crash my hips into him.

Instead, I grab his hands from where they're grasping at my collar, and place them low on my hips. (If this nightmare is going to drive me into a near swoon, I expect much more below-the-belt touching.)

Simon makes a sound, but I swallow it with my mouth. He grips me firmly and pushes more, and I find myself leaning more precariously over the back of the pew. I grip the side to steady myself.

It feels like the room is spinning, and I remember how drunk and dizzy I am. I pull away from Simon and he whines in complaint until I press my open mouth against his neck. He groans, and I hook my free arm around his shoulder to anchor my fingers into the back of his collar.

**Simon**

Baz is sucking a bruise into my neck. _He's never done that before,_ I think stupidly, and a whine slips out of me. I feel him grin against my skin before he shifts and licks a long stripe up my throat. He hums, and I feel it in my sternum.

He lurches slightly when he hitches one of his legs around the back of mine, but he grips me tighter to steady himself. I slide my hand to cup his hip bone more firmly, my thumb skimming the crease at the top of his leg. He huffs out a breath and buries his face in my neck.

And he doesn't move. (I think he's holding his breath.)

But then he loosens his grip on the side of the pew, and places his hand over mine, dragging it to the front of his trousers.

I rub delicately at his prick with the heel of my hand, and he lets out a shaky breath. _"Simon,"_ he pants against my neck, and releases my hand to brace his on the pew again.

**Dev**

Keris comes to a sudden halt next to me. "Has anyone considered checking their room? You know, the one they share?"

Niall and I exchange a glance. Neither Baz nor Simon have been in any of the places we've checked so far. 

"If they, uh…" I begin awkwardly. "If they're in their room, maybe we shouldn't bother them…

Penny stares hard at me. "You think that if they're back in Mummer's, it's to have sex."

We're all quiet a long awkward moment. Niall finally breaks the silence. "Let's check a couple other places first, then."

**Baz**

Simon's hand is inside my trousers, rubbing my cock through the fabric of my pants. _Why the fuck did I ever say I didn't want this?_ His thumb teases at the waistband, slipping just underneath to touch my skin. 

His hand is so warm. My _face_ is warm. I'm still clutching him close and pressing my face against his neck, and the air feels thick and hot and sticky.

**Penny**

It's dark in the chapel when Niall holds the door open, and we almost turn and leave without going in.

But then we all hear it.

**Simon**

I think Baz isn't going to last much longer. His arm tightens around me like a vice, and he whimpers against my shoulder.

All at once the lights flick on, and for a startling moment I wonder if I did it without meaning to.

"For fuck's sake, Simon!"

_Shit._

**Dev**

Well, this is awkward.

Snow is frozen, his face bright red and turned toward us, and his hand is in Baz's trousers. There's really no mistaking what's going on here.

Baz shoves at Simon and attempts to do up his trousers with one hand.

Penelope Bunce is _fuming._ "You said you were just going to _talk._ This is _not_ talking."

"Penny, I know, I didn't--”

She lets out a frustrated groan, and points her ring at Simon. **"Hands to yourself!"**

Simon gapes at her, but then the spell hits him. Hits _both_ of them, really.

**Baz**

An electric charge burns my skin everywhere Simon and I are touching, and we jerk apart in pain.

"Fuck!"

I teeter awkwardly, but without Snow holding me, I topple backwards and hit the next pew with my flailing arm.

_"Fuck!"_ I yell again.

I land heavily partway on the seat, and the impact knocks the breath out of me.

"What the _actual fuck,_ Bunce?"

**Penny**

_Oh._

I look down at my ring hand.

_I probably could have handled that better._


	2. Chapter 2

**Baz**

I wake up on the floor, facedown with a tiny pebble crushed into my cheek. My mouth is like cotton, and I can't help but groan.

"All right there, Baz?"

I open my eyes and glare hard as a pair of feet appear in front of my face.

"Unnngghh," I say, which is hungover for _I'm dying and fuck you._

I'm in Dev and Niall's room. I can tell because Dev is prodding me in the side with his bare foot. I groan and roll onto my back, and stare at the ceiling as my head spins.

I'm on the floor of Dev and Niall's room. Why am I not in my own bed?

My eyes widen as I remember.

_Oh no._

_Oh fucking hell._

"Niall, wake up. I think Baz has just remembered what he did last night."

**Simon**

I slept in Baz's bed last night.

He wasn't there, which was a shame, but I fell asleep with his scent wrapped around me.

Penny slept in mine. She feels like she has to supervise me. It _feels_ like she doesn't even want to let me _think_ about Baz. How it felt to have him in my arms, clutching at my shoulder while I--

 _"You apparently do need supervision, Simon,"_ she said to me last night.

We're sat in the dining hall now, and she's giving me _that_ look while I sip my tea.

"Penny, it's too early for a lecture." _And my head aches too much from the wine last night,_ I don't say. (It would only prompt another lecture.)

"But _Simon,"_ she hisses. "We need to figure out what to do. How are you planning to handle this?"

Plan? I haven't thought past getting my hands on Baz. (That step is well distracting.)

I shrug, and Penny groans. "What is it that you even _want,_ Simon?"

I shrug again. _I just want Baz._ (I can't say that out loud.)

"You can't have sex with someone without discussing your _relationship status_ first," she says pointedly.

I feel my face go red, and I'm about to tell her to lower her voice (the dining hall is near empty, but not completely), when I'm startled by a voice.

"Who says?" It's Keris, and she slips into the seat next to Penny. "Is there a rulebook or something?"

Penny rolls her eyes. "It's just the way things should be done."

"What's the big deal?" Keris gestures towards me, but I'm fairly certain I'm not part of this conversation. "They like each other, and they're figuring it out in their own way."

"They have to talk!"

Keris scoffs. "When have you ever known Simon Snow to sort anything by _talking?"_

I raise a hand awkwardly. "I'm actually right here--"

Penny ignores me. "That's why he has me!"

"Is that why you magicked them apart, then? So Simon'll have to ask for your _permission_ before copping off with someone he _clearly_ fancies?"

"That's not--"

I wave feebly. "Is it really _that_ clear that I fancy Baz?"

Penny and Keris both look at me pointedly. "Yes," they say in unison.

Penny looks up and sees a stream of students start to trickle into the dining hall. She lowers her voice and hisses, "It's not like I want that. We tried to reverse the spell last night. It wouldn't give."

"I suppose that's convenient," Keris snorts.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Penny wrinkles her brow.

Agatha appears at the end of the table before Keris can answer. "Simon, what's that on your neck?"

My hand flies to the bruise on my neck. "N-nothing. Just, you know." I shrug awkwardly.

Keris laughs lightly behind her hand.

Agatha gives me an odd look, but sits down with her book and pours herself a cup of tea. She doesn't push.

**Baz**

There's only so long that I can avoid Simon.

"You can't keep sleeping on our floor, mate," Dev tells me sometime in the middle of the following week. "It's hard enough finding privacy with just Niall here. But it's harder with you underfoot all the bloody time."

I'm sitting on the floor, my back braced against the foot of Niall's bed. "Privacy," I say flatly.

"You have to go back to the tower sometime, Baz." Niall is sitting behind me, reading.

Which is how I find myself dragging my school books back upstairs during dinner on Wednesday.

**Simon**

I'm surprised to see Baz in the room after dinner. I'd almost thought he'd moved into Dev and Niall's.

But there he is, sitting on his bed, reading. Pretending like he hasn't been avoiding me for days.

I try to play it cool. (As cool as I ever can be around Baz, anyway.)

"Baz," I say in my best attempt at a cool voice.

"Snow." He doesn't look up from his book.

I drop my school bag and sit heavily on my bed. "Look, I'm sorry about what happened Friday night."

He flicks the page of his book. "No need."

I scrub my hand across my face. "It's just--"

"I heard a rumour you have a new girlfriend."

"What?" I blink at him.

He looks up from his book _(finally)_ and gestures vaguely at his own neck. "You know, the, uh--"

I clap my hand over the side of my neck. _The bruise._ "Do you not remember--"

He looks hard at me, and I feel my face flush. "I remember that part."

I lean back against the wall next to my bed and try to look anywhere but at Baz. He lowers his eyes to his book and continues reading.

I dig in my school bag for my Greek textbook and open it across my lap.

"Would it bother you if I did? Really have a girlfriend, I mean." I glance at him, but he doesn't look up from his book.

"Why should it matter to me?" he asks coldly.

I sigh. "Nevermind."

He gives a short _mm_ , but doesn't say anything else.

I try to focus on my Greek, but the letters swim on the page. I feel tears pricking the back of my eyes, but I'm not sure I understand why.

"Baz." I stare and wait for him to look at me.

He finally does. "What?" His eyes are narrowed, and I can't read his expression.

"I've never wanted anyone the way I want you."

His eyes widen and he keeps staring. I think he's holding his breath.

"I just, uh, wanted you to know." I drop my gaze back to the book in my lap, but I don't really see it. My stomach lurches, and I wonder vaguely if this is a normal way to feel.

Baz slips off his bed, and I try not to watch. He starts pulling the blanket from where it's tucked around his mattress, and my heart squeezes. _I've bollocksed it up and he's going to sleep in the bath._ I squeeze my eyes shut and try to breathe through the feeling.

"Simon." The mattress dips next to me, and I open my eyes to see Baz sat on the edge, holding his blanket open. "Can we…?" His eyes flick away from my face, and then back. He leans back onto an elbow, nearly lying down. His legs are curled tightly, and his stockinged feet nearly brush the side of my knee. ( _Nearly._ He's being mindful of the spell.)

"Won't it hurt? If we touch, I mean?"

His eyes skirt across my neck, pausing at my throat. "It's a thick blanket. I thought we could try?" He looks hesitantly at me.

I swallow, and nod, and start crawling up the bed towards him.

He laughs nervously. "Take off your shoes, you troglodyte."

I roll my eyes, and some of the heavy feeling hanging over us burns off. I sit back down and kick the shoes off without untying them, and he snorts at me.

I look back up at him, and he's arranging the blanket across his arms. "Come here?" he whispers, and I do.

**Baz**

I've got Simon wrapped in my arms, and I could cry with relief. He's facing the wall, his back to me, and I pull the blanket up so I can press my face against the back of his neck.

He sighs and nudges his side against my arm, trying to direct me how to hold him. I almost tell him to use his words, but grin into the blanket instead and slip my arm tighter around him. My fingers twist in the fabric of the blanket, my knuckles resting close to his heart.

"Penny is going to kill me if I don't get this reading for Greek finished tonight." He leans back into my arms, and I can tell he has no intention of doing his reading.

I snort at him again, and sit up to grab his book from the foot of the bed. I drop it in front of him and curl around him again. "You can read while we're like this."

He sighs, and opens the book. I press my cheek against the heat of his back and let my eyes slip closed.

**Simon**

Baz is dozing with his arm around me, and I'm struggling to understand what I'm reading. I can't help the sound of frustration I let out.

He stirs against me. "You've misunderstood the verb tense. That's why it's not making sense," he says sleepily against my shoulder.

I scowl. "You can't even see what sentence I'm looking at."

"Maybe so." He shrugs limply. "But I know languages, and I know you."

My breath catches, and I want nothing more than to take his hand in mine. _Say it,_ I tell myself, instead. "You do. Know me, I mean."

He hums sleepily and drags me closer to him by the hip, before tightening his arm around my middle. I listen as his breath evens out, and he relaxes into sleep.

**Baz**

I wake up shivering. Simon is a furnace in my arms, but it's not enough.

I yank at the blanket wrapped around him. "Too cold…"

He mumbles something in complaint, and I'm not sure if he's awake.

I roll onto my back, but I'm closer to the edge of the bed than I realized, and I gasp as my hand flies out to steady myself.

He hums, and twists to face me. "Steady on, love," he mumbles, and throws the blanket over me before dragging me closer.

"Simon," I whisper as he rolls on top of me and settles his head on my shoulder.

"Shut up." He squirms, then sighs out a breath, and all at once he's a dead weight on top of me.

It feels _right._ It feels--

"Stop _thinking,_ Baz." He smoothes a hand across my chest. "Just let me cuddle you."

**Simon**

Baz is gone when I wake up, and I almost think I imagined it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Baz**

Three days ago, Simon told me he wants me.

I'm terrified he's going to change his mind.

We walked to the dining hall together this morning. Or well… not _together._ But not separately, either.

We sat with a space in between us that none of our friends wanted to fill.

"Are you still cursed, then?" Keris asked when she sat down across from us.

Snow looked at me sideways. "Dunno. Haven't tested it." He laid his hand palm up on the table between us, and raised both eyebrows at me.

I sighed and rolled my eyes, but eagerly reached for his hand.

The shock was sharper than I remembered it from a week ago, but less startling. I cursed and drew my hand back, shaking it.

"I'm sorry, mate, that's a right bummer," Keris said sympathetically.

"Why's that a problem, then?" Gareth looked at Keris. "Isn't it a good thing to keep these two from clobbering each other?"

I could feel everyone else's eyes darting between me and Simon, and my face beginning to flush. The table was silent, until Agatha looked up from her book. "Oh! Are you--" She must have seen something on my face, because she stopped herself. "Nevermind."

That was this morning. And now, I'm hiding my embarrassment in the library.

…Sitting on the same damn sofa where Simon and I snogged. It's pathetic. _I'm_ pathetic.

Agatha rounds a bookshelf and startles when she sees me. "Basilton! Sorry, I didn't think anyone else would be here."

I drop the book I've been pretending to read. "Agatha."

"May I?" She nods towards the empty space on the sofa. I wave my hand over the empty seat, and she takes it.

We sit in silence for a long, awkward moment, but I am nervous and in no hurry to hear what she has to say. She stares straight ahead, and I rub my hand anxiously over my knee.

"How long have you and Simon been together?"

I suck in a breath. "We're not--"

She flushes in embarrassment. "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought--"

"No, it's all right, we just… He was…"

She stills my nervous hand with her own. "It's ok, you don't need to tell me." I must audibly huff in frustration, because she laughs. "You _can_ tell me, though, if you like."

I don't know what to say. I look down at her hand over mine. It's almost like holding hands, but wrong. I turn my hand until we're palm to palm, and squeeze tentatively.

She squeezes back. "It's ok if you're… I won't say anything, if you don't want me to."

I don't say anything.

"So Penelope cast a spell and now you can't touch Simon?"

"Right."

"But you want to."

It's not a question, so I don't answer it. "I broke up with him." I glance at her face; her eyebrows are raised in surprise. "Well, I mean, sort of. We weren't really-- It was only…" I'm too embarrassed to say that it was only shagging. And snogging. (A decent amount of snogging.)

"Why?"

My eyes widen. "Why were we--"

"No, not that. I mean, why did you _sort of_ break up with him?"

I frown. I don't know that I ever explained it to myself. "I think… he was starting to fancy me." I look back down at our joined hands. "It was too much."

She nods, as if what I've said makes sense. "Simon can be a little intense when he wants something."

I scoff, and pull my hand back. _Simon doesn't want me,_ I want to say, except I _know_ that's not true. He told me.

Agatha folds her hands on her lap. "Does he know how you feel?"

 _Does he?_ "I don't know."

She smoothes a hand over my shoulder. "Basilton."

I look at her. "Yes?"

She sighs. "Listen, I want to be supportive, but I don't know how to handle Simon any better than you do."

I nod. "Yeah, I know…"

"Also, I came here to retrieve a pack of cigarettes I hid under the cushion you're sitting on, so could you…"

I jump up. "Oh, of course." My face flushes. "Sorry."

**Simon**

I can't stop thinking about Baz, which is nothing new.

All the same, I'm surprised when he bursts into our room, looking a little disheveled and smelling like cigarettes.

"You shouldn't smoke, Baz. You're flammable."

He sighs, and waves his hand at me noncommittally. "So is everything." He catches his reflection in the mirror on his wardrobe and frowns, then starts fussing with his hair.

"What happened to your hair?" I really don't mind it like this.

"Went up on the ramparts to smoke a cigarette with Agatha. It's windy today." He catches my eye in the mirror, like he's daring me to react.

Baz and I have never talked about it, but I kind of assumed that since he's enthusiastically had his mouth on my prick, he _probably_ isn't after Agatha, but I can't help feeling a little bit jealous.

I straighten up on my bed, and try to control my face. "Oh."

He turns to look at me directly. "Snow, do you-- I mean, when you said…" He presses his lips in a tight line and fixes his gaze somewhere around my feet, stretched out in front of me. "You really shouldn't leave your shoes on when you sit on your bed like that," he chides. "You'll get your bedspread all dirty."

I roll my eyes, and start to return my attention to the book on my lap. "Noted."

He balls up his fists and presses them against his thighs. He's well agitated over something. "Simon."

I look up. I don't know what it means when he says my name like that, not anymore. It used to mean…

I try not to think about what it used to mean.

"I want you, too."

**Baz**

I watch his face, and see the moment understanding passes across it. "You mean…"

I close my eyes and nod.

He's shifting on his bed, and I open my eyes to see him swing his feet to the floor. "Come here?"

It almost hurts to let him look at me like this. I shake my head. "I don't want to talk, Simon."

"All right, we won't _talk._ Come here."

**Simon**

Baz drops onto my bed and closes his eyes with a sigh. _Merlin,_ I ache to touch him.

I clamber onto my knees and crowd as close to him as I dare. Bracing my hands on the bed, I lean in and breathe against the side of his face. "I want to kiss you," I whisper.

He whines and tilts his head away from me, showing me more of his neck. I follow the curve of it down from his jaw, my nose nearly skimming his skin. He shivers, and his fingers tighten in my bedspread.

 _"Simon,"_ he whispers, and lets his head loll onto the shoulder furthest from me. He bites his lip, and it's all over for me.

I hover my hand over the line of buttons on his shirt. "We still could--"

He nods furiously. _"Yes, please."_

**Baz**

My heart is pounding in my throat. Simon is all hot breath and near touches and it's setting me alight with frustration. It's not _enough._

I want to close the distance between us. I remember the sharp electric shock from before, and something twists in my belly.

_I'd let him set me on fire with his palms, if only he'd…_

I'm squirming under the ghost of his touch, feeling like a live wire. "Baz," he breathes. I hear the grin in his voice. "Can I boss you around?"

I nod, not trusting my voice not to shake.

He settles his finger on the button placket of my shirt, and I feel a dull ache through the fabric. He runs the finger down, bumping clumsily against each button. I twitch with bubbling pleasure at each clumsy touch.

"Take this off, then."

**Simon**

Baz scrambles to unbutton his shirt and then yanks it roughly over his head partway through. I suck on my bottom lip and watch him run his hands down his chest and belly and back up. Eyes falling shut, a pale blush spreads across his cheeks. He's trying to be sneaky, but I see him run his fingertips over his nipples. _I want to do that._

"Did I say you could touch yourself like that?"

His eyes shoot open and he looks over at me, his mouth hanging open in startled surprise.

I settle back on my heels, suddenly hesitant. "Is that, uh… Can I get a colour?"

A grin slowly spreads across his face, and he teases his nipples again. "It's green, love, as long as you don't mind a little defiance."

I do my best to school my face into a stern frown. "Stop that. I didn't say you could."

He smirks. "Make me."

**Baz**

Simon climbs off the bed, and I worry I've gone too far. He strides to the door, and my face falls. "Simon, sorry, I--"

He turns toward me, his hand on the doorknob, and puts a finger to his lips. "Shhh. Come here."

He opens the door and steps into the hallway. I follow, bewildered, and he pulls the door shut behind me. I cross my arms across my bare chest, and shiver. He crowds me up against the door, nearly touching my skin.

"What are you--"

"Is it ok if I hurt you a little bit?"

I startle. "What?"

He blushes, and I can tell he's struggling not to take it back. "I need to touch you. It might hurt, but I thought you might not mind?" His eyes dart over my face, not connecting with my eyes.

"But in the _hallway?"_

He shrugs. "Anathema."

I frown. "You think we'll hurt each other enough to evoke the _Roommate's Anathema?"_

His eyes dart to my lips and back up to my eyes. "I wouldn't want Watford to tear us apart."

**Simon**

Baz sucks in a breath and nods, and I don't wait for any more encouragement.

I bracket my hands around him on the closed door as I dip my head and blow my breath across one pebbled nipple.

He's squirming, and I mean to get on with it but the way he's fighting to still his hips does something to me. I move to the other side and blow on his other nipple.

I'm preparing myself for the pain that's coming, but then he whimpers and it's so hot I can't think. I dart my tongue out to flick at his nipple, and his head tips against the door with a loud groan.

The pain is an electric current running up and down my tongue, but I don't let myself pull away. Baz rolls his hips, and moans out a whine that echoes in the stone stairwell. He claps a hand over this mouth, stilling in shock.

My heart is racing, and I want to shove my hand into my trousers at the idea of being caught out like this. Of someone hearing the sounds I'm drawing out of Baz. I close my lips around his nipple and work at licking and sucking at it, while the electricity rattles in my jaw and Baz keens into his closed fist.

But then he sobs out a whispered, _"Stop,"_ and I jerk back from him.

**Baz**

It's too much. It's _too much_ and I feel like I'm going to shake apart.

And it fucking _hurts._ I want to press his hand against my bare belly and lean into the pain. I almost whimper at the thought.

But I _also_ want to take a swing at him, the absolute _knob._

I brace my hands flat on the door behind me and close my eyes. "You better boss me around some more, you fucking _fuck."_

My eyes flit open in time to see Simon's mouth gape for a moment, before he seems to realize what I've said. He raises a hand and points at himself. "Me?"

I raise an eyebrow at him.

**Simon**

I swallow nervously, and Baz's eyes fix on my throat for a long moment.

I'm nervous, and I just want to lean into his touch and kiss him senseless. Everything else is just confusing noise. _Just be with me,_ I think at him.

"Undo your trousers," I whisper instead, surprising both of us.

Baz's eyes darken, but his hands are already on his belt. "Out here?"

 _Christ,_ I hadn't thought of _that._ I'm about to answer, when we both hear the front door of Mummers slam shut, and voices echo up the stairwell.

Baz's eyes widen, and he drops his hands. He looks down at his bare chest and crosses his arms nervously.

"On your bed," I command, but then my voice breaks into a stutter. "N-now." The uncertain _please?_ goes unspoken.

**Baz**

Simon is blushing, and I never thought I'd be this turned on by how _awful_ he is at this. I want to grasp his face in both hands and pull him to me for a kiss on each flushed cheek.

My eyes must be soft, because he gives me a small, lopsided smile. "Come on then, Baz. Do as you're told."

I lower my eyes to peer at him through my lashes. "If you insist." I grab at the doorknob, trying to steady my nervous hand.

The door swings open behind me, and Simon stumbles after me as I walk backward into the room. I let him back me up to the foot of my bed, but stand my ground when he crowds into me. We're close enough for me to feel his heat against my skin, a breath away. He tips his head up to look at me, and we lock eyes. "Sit."

I do. And he's looming over me, staring hard at my face, and my mouth feels dry.

But then I notice that the door is still hanging open. "Snow, close the damn door."

His face softens and he looks over his shoulder. "Oh! Sorry!"

He moves to close the door, and while his back is to me I give in to the stupid, lovesick grin pulling at the corners of my mouth.

**Simon**

I turn back to find Baz leaning back on his elbows, and my breath catches. He raises an eyebrow, and sits up more to put both hands on his belt.

"Do you want me?" He looks just next to my face, and slowly starts to undo the buckle.

I swallow nervously and nod.

His belt is open, along with the button; he's working the zip down now. "How do you want me?"

 _Underneath me,_ I think, and the _wanting_ aches in my gut.

His trousers hang open, and I watch the muscles low in his belly tighten as he settles back onto his elbows again.

I swallow again. (I might be drooling.) "I want you messy and eager."

He bites his lip and releases it. "Eager for what?" He's smothering a grin, but I can see it in his eyes.

**Baz**

I live to torment Simon Snow. He fists his fingers into his hair and I swear he's near growling, and it _does_ things to me.

"Just shut up and start pulling yourself off, Baz," he whines.

Fuck _me,_ this is almost too much. I lock eyes with him and run a hand low on my belly. His breath catches, and I smirk at him before trailing my fingertips up my body. (I can't give him what he wants without a fight.) I slip two fingers into my mouth and slowly push them in, until--

"For fuck's sake, Baz! Just do as you're told!" He claps a hand over his mouth, his eyes wide.

I let the fingers slip from my mouth. "It's still green, you fuck."

His hand drops from his mouth, and he stares at me. I wish I knew what he--

"Y-y-yellow," he stammers out.

Oh.

I sit up on the bed. "We don't have to--"

"No!" Simon scrubs at his face. "It's not-- I like this, but…" He trails off.

"You don't know if you like it right now?"

He rubs at his neck, sheepishly. "I want to be sweet to you."

My heart stutters. "You can do both."

**Simon**

Baz is looking up at me, his eyes soft. "Simon." When he says my name like that I want to push my face against his.

He's searching my face. "Simon, I trust you."

**Baz**

Simon's eyes widen, and I realize what I've said.

He gives me a hard look, resolve flashing across his face. "Lie back on the bed." His jaw tightens, and I want to reach for him and lick it.

Instead, I get up and move to the head of my bed. I sit, and begin plucking at the laces of my shoes.

"No, leave them on."

**Simon**

"You want me to leave my shoes on?" He looks up at me quizzically, and I inwardly cringe. _Stupid idea,_ I think.

But I stride to the edge of his bed and sit down. "Lie back. Put your feet here." I pat the space next to me.

He frowns at me. _But then he does it._

**Baz**

I brush Simon's thigh just barely with the sole of my shoe, and I'm near giddy with nerves. I lie back against the pillows and wait for him to tell me what to do.

**Simon**

Baz's shoes aren't anything special, just some sort of _posh wanker shoes_ but I'm staring at them all the same. _Why am I doing this?_

I carefully lift his shoe by the sole, and lean close to inspect it. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I hear Baz's breath catch.

I twist on the bed so I'm facing him more squarely, my leg tucked under me. And I blow a gentle breath across the sliver of ankle showing above his socks. He whines, and I grin.

I'm holding his shoe up by the heel, and dip my head to lick the side of it.

 _"What?"_ He jerks from my hold. "Are you taking the piss?"

**Baz**

Shame burns through me. I didn't even know that could be _hot_ but he's taunting me with it.

"Baz, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." He's holding his hand out carefully, like he's soothing a frightened animal, and I realize it's me. I'm frightened. "I'm not having a laugh." He places his hand on the top of my shoe again. _"Baby."_

I let out a shaky breath. _He wants to be sweet._ I nod, and push my foot onto his lap.

He runs his fingers delicately over the laces. "Touch yourself for me, love?"

I do.

**Simon**

Baz shoves a hand into his pants, and I lift his shoe to pull at the laces with my teeth. "Oh _Crowley,_ what are you _doing,_ Snow?" His hips surge up, and he whines into a pillow.

I hum in answer, and undo the knot.

**Baz**

Simon is pulling my shoes off while I wank.

"Let me see, love." He slides my sock off, his fingers dragging that sharp electric shock over the fabric.

I withdraw my hand and push the waistband of my pants low on my hips, freeing my cock. Suddenly I'm shy, and want to close my hands over myself.

But Simon groans, and braces his hands on the bed before he shifts back, dropping his head and taking my big toe into his mouth.

"Snow!" It fucking _hurts_ and it's an effort not to kick him away.

But it also feels _good._ I will my body to relax into the sensation. "What are you _doing?"_ I pump my fist around my cock, and groan.

He locks eyes with me and groans back approvingly.

**Simon**

My tongue is burning with pain, but I don't want to stop.

"What about the Anathema?" Baz gasps, his strokes speeding up.

I pull my mouth off his toe. "Would you rather I suck your toe in the hallway?" The words come out thick and clumsy; my tongue is swollen.

"No, I mean--" He claps his hand over his mouth, whines into his fist, and his hips shudder. "I mean, you didn't want to, before. You were worried--"

I flush. "I forgot. Sorry."

He tips his head back. "Don't be." It shakes through him, and he squeezes his eyes shut. He thrusts up into his hand, and I think he's holding his breath.

"What are you thinking about?" I blurt without meaning to.

He groans. "What do you _think_ I'm thinking about, Snow?"

"Sorry! I didn't--"

His eyes open and lock with mine. He's staring at my face while working himself over, and his mouth tips open in a moan. "There's too much depraved shit in my head, you don't want in here." He huffs out a laugh.

I'm about to argue that his thoughts can't be that bad, but then I internally cringe at the idea of him knowing what _I'm_ thinking half the time. "Tell me what you want?"

He closes his eyes and bites his lip instead of answering. I'm ready to let it go; he obviously doesn't want to let me in. But then he takes a shaky breath. "I want you on top of me."

I lean forward and settle on my knees. "I want that, too."

"I want you to kiss me." His strokes are faster now, his voice wavering.

He's about to come, I can tell. I've never seen him get himself off before, but I've done it to him myself too many times not to recognize the way his brow twists, that sound he tries to stifle in the back of his throat.

But then he stops abruptly. Slaps his hands down on the bed, and clutches the blankets tightly while his hips rise from the bed and he gasps for breath.

 _Oh._ We're doing _this_ today. I can't help grinning.

But then he's shooting a look at me, his chest still heaving with his ragged breath. "I want you to wank for me now."

_Oh!_

**Baz**

I'm gasping for breath, and Simon is crouched by my feet. He looks achingly hard in his trousers, and I want my mouth on him.

"Come _on,_ Simon," I whine. "I need your cock."

His eyes widen. "Do you mean--"

I roll my eyes. "No! I won't shock your knob off. Just come closer and let me see."

He shuffles closer, his knees crowding close to my ribs, but not touching. "I'll do it if you keep going, too." 

I nod eagerly and reach for my cock, but he stops me with a look. "You're not allowed to come until I say."

I snort. _Easy enough._

He begins working his trousers open. "And you can't stop unless I say."

My eyes widen, and Simon gives me a dark look. _Oh fuck._

**Simon**

I'm wanking on my knees next to Baz, and he's shudderingly close to coming.

"Don't come," I scold. He whines, and slows his hand to near imperceptible movement. "No, you've got to move more than that." He speeds up a little, but he can't control the speed and works himself back up to quick pumps too fast.

I'm working myself over slowly, relishing the sensation, more than a little riled up by Baz's lack of control.

"Not yet,” I remind him.

"Fuck _me,"_ he whimpers, and squeezes hard at the base of his prick.

He doesn't mean it literally, but I can't help imagining it, thrusting into his body, and I shudder and moan. 

"What are you going to do to me if I come before I'm allowed?" He rolls his hips slowly, almost teasingly.

"I'll have to punish you." My hips jolt forward involuntarily, and I'm dying to rut against him.

He thumbs the head of his prick. "How will you punish me?"

 _Fuck, I don't know._ "You’ll have to carry my tray at mealtimes for a week."

He laughs. "Deal."

**Baz**

I was hoping he might threaten to spank me, but this is good, too. I thrust into my hand, and the thought of our classmates watching me carry his food for him almost ends it for me.

Instead, I slow my hand. I want to comply.

He notices, and hums, "Good boy," approvingly.

And at that, I ratchet up to near completion again. "Simon, I'm going to--"

"Don't!" He's still thrusting hard into his hand.

"Too much," I gasp, and then my orgasm crests over me, dragging me through the pleasure. I close my eyes, and I'm still coming when I feel a sharp pain as Simon flicks his tongue across my nipple. It _hurts_ and feels so fucking _good_ and I'm about to melt away into nothing.

Simon draws back and groans, then pulses hot across my belly. I open my eyes to watch his face go slack with pleasure. "That's it, love. Give it to me."

He whines, and covers his face with his free hand while he keeps pumping with the other. _"Baz,"_ he gasps.

I'm still catching my breath when he slows to a stop. I ache to throw my arms around him and pull him to me, belly to belly, to smear our come between us.

"Baz, I--"

His voice breaks into a sob.

**Simon**

_I can't breathe._ I squeeze my eyes shut.

"Simon, love, what is it?" Baz sits up and raises his hands ineffectually, before he drops them back to his lap.

"I need-- I'm sorry, I-- I hurt you, I--"

"Shh, love." He brings his face close to mine, and I feel the puff of his breath as he whispers. "Just breathe. Nothing else matters right now."

I wipe roughly at the tears on my face. "It hurts. I need to kiss you."

I open my eyes, and look into his, and _oh fuck._

I am hopelessly in love with him.

And it _hurts._


End file.
